I threw a mad letter through the window yesterday. It's the nature of letters I know that you can't take back some things. Words are the same. "Be impeccable with your words" is the Toltec wisdom I find very challenging.

Anger is part of grief even though I haven't read yet through all the steps. Yesterday I was angry at Megan for her reactions to the outpouring of others. Quit reminding me, quit sending notes, I just want this over. Quite sending text messages, quit writing that we should hold each other and kiss. She had each of my words to throw back at me. I had promised myself that she would be able to say anything to me and that I could forgive her given circumstances. When she doesn't want what I have to give though, then I'm mad. All I have to give is words. I can't touch her from here. She doesn't like that either; not from me. Wrap her Jeremy in your big arms for me.

Might I look *in* today. In to the child I birthed 29 years ago. I have always sung to her and talked to her, held her. What mother hasn't. There are other ways though. I've picked the ones fluid for me, seemingly not right. New eyes needed here. What are Megan ways.

Leaving her alone is what ostensibly she wants. I won't believe that is the way to face the next 2 1/2 months though.

nope, won't believe that.