Kairn

I'm not sure that I should use this place for my stream of conscious writing. It may confuse the library types but perhaps i can mark my homework clearly.

this is "home" work actually. i so constantly struggle with what i do. and, might i seriously entertain the idea of "writing" in a formal way. people have said that i might. deborah tempts me to, but for what purpose? so very surprisingly, i was very upset with laura's criticism of my e-mail style a couple days ago. so disjunct that she didn't find it understandable. i felt it as real as a slap. enough that any thought through the day brought tears. not welling up tears, but slipping down my face tears. that surprised me.

should i think more about how i communicate. i see taking time to write as a large part of the "bringing beauty", daily intention. i can't really stand to see it as silly. other's have noticed a "style". "like a puzzle" i was told. i'll try to step back to see that. jan says too flowery, laura now says too cryptic. hm. i rather lean to cryptic.

my word for the day is "cairn" or "kairn". funny, i had completely latched on to the idea of this new word to me a number of years ago, having brought back small cairns to the kids from quebec. i like the idea of a path, i look for one constantly. only in the last few years do i know that i am following one and that there are options and crossroads more often than one would expect. lindsay, nate and laura left a beautiful goldsworthy type shoreline of cairns in the bwca and then peter commented, "is that leaving it as you found it". such a solid case in point. is our beauty what others see as beauty? how could it POSSIBLY not be????

until today though, i haven't entertained even once the idea that i am cairn. for this purpose i'll use kairn. variation on kaaaarin. amazing that i haven't thought of it. "a heap of stones set up as a landmark or a memorial". heap is an unglamorous, non-poetic word for a, if not glamorous, a poetic idea. perhaps it's a reminder to see the "journey" and the marking of the journey as concrete and real life, not just phoofy and poetic. i lean to the latter, not so good with the former.

susan's post about "just do it" is a good companion today to being "kairn". i will think also about landmark versus land "mark". what is it to mark the way. show where i have been.
try out a way? leave some evidence behind?

closing for the morning. trying out this space.
k