i almost bumped into a piliated woodpecker as i walked to the quilt garden. i've gotten pushed into this lowest loneliest place again. i'm trying not to let ken steal days from me. today and yesterday were to have been the days i honored mom. these are her birthdays. wrung out i walked to the garden thinking maybe a big vase of flowers in one of mom's vases would be the thing. that giant bird called to get attention and flitted from tree to tree in the front yard.

that is one big bird spirit. could it feel like the strong women touching me today? should i be paying attention to such a thing? mom would handle this. can i honor her by feeling strong instead of flattened?

i question this time if we can have any kind of marriage anymore. words mean nothing now. trust and integrity? values? to think we were on the surface talking about money and spending.

i will try to feel some company and spirits with me from somewhere. i can only think the help has to come from inside somewhere.